Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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