just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
