Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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