Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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