Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize