and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
