I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
