i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If I die, sorry about rent.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
