did you get engaged???
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
