i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
