This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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