I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I need a beard to bite.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
