somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
