nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
