just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
