I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
