We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He shit in the fireplace
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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