The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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