so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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