someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
