OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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