Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
