Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
