i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
