Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it hurts more in the daytime
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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