She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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