Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
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