Your face is a jimmy john
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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