Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
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