I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
