allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
