I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
