I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
foreskin is a definite game changer
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
