i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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