I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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