hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I need water and some morals
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
