P.S. I can't hear my feet
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
