i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
