Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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