my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
