I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
