Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
