I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
