I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
