are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
