we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Randomize
