i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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