Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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