why im i the only drunk person in the library?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
