i was born a porn star she said
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
