I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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