someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
