Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
