I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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