Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
