I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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