Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
