I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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