i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
