non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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